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Although there’s no one path forward after losing a loved one to pancreatic cancer, there are a few constants to consider: Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. And embrace support. Keeping these things in mind can help during what is often an intense and difficult time, said PanCAN Senior Director of Patient Services Fatima Zelada-Arenas, MA.
Here, Fatima talks more about the process of working through grief and offers resources to help cope with loss.
The death of a loved one can bring up many different emotions. Walk us through some of the things people may experience, knowing that every person’s journey will be different.
Everyone’s journey will be different. Depending on the situation, there may be a wide range of emotions. A cancer diagnosis is often unexpected and difficult to navigate, so that may cause some people to feel angry about the situation.
Fatima Zelada-Arenas
Most people will feel sadness for their loss and sad that they are no longer able to see their loved one or embrace them. There also may be feelings of uncertainty about how to move forward. Some may feel shocked and in disbelief that things happened the way that they did or they may ask themselves why this happened to them.
Some people may also feel at peace and understand that their loved one is no longer in pain from their diagnosis. Some may feel hopeless or helpless. It is also possible to feel many emotions all at once or in sequence.
Grief often feels like a roller coaster, with someone feeling like they are fine one minute and then overcome with emotion the next. It is important for people to be kind to themselves. Understand that grief is not a linear process, but rather one that will take time to work through.
What are some suggestions for the first days or weeks after the death of a loved one? How can people take care of themselves during this often intense and difficult time?
First and foremost, having compassion and patience with yourself is critical. This is not an easy process and what works for some people may not work for others. People may feel overwhelmed by the emotions they experience. It is ok to feel unsure, sad, angry or many other emotions during the first days and weeks. It is also ok to take time to process the grief. This may include taking time off work, spending time with loved ones or friends, or engaging in activities that bring joy.
Many find their own unique way to honor the loved one they have lost. Actively engage in self-care activities. This may include taking a walk, spending time in nature or practicing mindfulness and meditation. Make sure you have a support system. Let people know if you are struggling and seek support from professionals if you feel overwhelmed.
Caregivers may experience anticipatory grief. What does this mean? What are some ways caregivers can work through these feelings?
Anticipatory grief, sometimes known as preparatory grief, involves feelings of grief that occur before a loss, often in anticipation of a loss. This may also involve actively preparing for the loss of a loved one by ensuring any practical needs are met, their wishes are documented and any legal or medical affairs are in order.
Feelings of anticipatory grief are not uncommon for individuals who have a loved one with a cancer diagnosis, as there may be a time where the patient transitions from active cancer treatment to quality-of-life measures. Many emotions arise throughout this journey and it is important for people to have the support they need to help manage what can be an intense time.
It’s also helpful to remember that during end-of-life hope should not diminish, but it may shift. The focus may be on quality of life, pain and symptom management and ensuring the patient is at peace. This may be a good time to spend as much time as possible with your loved one – whether it’s actively communicating, sharing stories, reminiscing or just sitting quietly together.
Grieving is a long-term process that looks different for everyone. What are some ways to help process grief over time?
Processing grief is difficult and as we have discussed, every person will process grief in their own unique way. However, there are some things that may be helpful in working through emotions.
Some people engage in journaling as an outlet to express feelings and keep track of memories and stories. Others write poetry or affirmations about their loved one or use journaling as a way to just let emotions out. Creating a memory box – which can be filled with either items that remind you of your loved one or items that they enjoyed (candles, articles of clothing, flowers, trinkets) – can also be helpful. Activities like art therapy can help to release and process difficult emotions. Various forms of art like painting, sculpture or writing allow for self-expression and healing.
Visting a loved one at their final resting place can become an important way to honor them. This allows the person to connect with their loved one by bringing flowers, items that they enjoyed, or by celebrating holidays or important dates with them.
What are some options for support for people who have lost a loved one?
There are many resources available to help those who have lost a loved one. Some people find it helpful to connect with others who may have shared experiences. PanCAN Patient Services has a peer-to-peer support network called the Survivor and Caregiver Network where we can match individuals up with others who have also lost a loved one.
Some people engage in in-person or online grief support groups or discussion boards. These are widely available and may be a good way to connect with others who may be experiencing similar feelings after their loss. PanCAN Patient Services can help individuals connect to and locate these resources.
Some find it helpful to connect with a professional counselor or therapist to help them sort through some of the emotions that may arise after the loss of a loved one. PanCAN Patient Services can help locate organizations offering one-on-one counseling sessions and professionals who are experts in assisting with cancer-related issues.
